Dad: Michael Isaacs, 65
Home: Atlanta, GA
Daughter: Ashley, 30
Michael Isaacs
Being a father has been the most challenging, rewarding, difficult, sad, joyous, life enriching part of my life, for which I will forever be grateful. I would not trade it for anything. Many times during Ashley’s, my only child, typical teenage years I looked forward to her leaving home for college. When it finally happened the opposite occurred. I found myself wishing I had more children still at home as I wasn’t ready to give up the day-to-day joys of fathering and I missed and worried about her terribly.
It was a long journey from when I used to talk to her in her mother’s belly to the now charming, 30 year old, young woman with whom I have a great adult relationship. How did we get through it and what happened to all that time? It was a blur of constant strife, love and activity.
Raising a child it is not easy; they don’t come with an owner’s manual. To make things more difficult, when Ashley was around 6 her mother and I separated and a year later divorced. As divorces go it was more or less amicable, but you don’t end a long term marriage without some anger, hurt feelings, raised voices and lingering resentment. It would have been easy for both of us to allow our anger to control the relationship to the exclusion of Ashley’s best interest. We have all seen that play out in people we know. I felt badly that on at least some level, by getting a divorce Ashley would be harmed.
Therefore, I vowed that I would do all in my power to put Ashley’s needs ahead of my own. Arguments with your ex, over money and all the other blood boiling issues one deals with in a divorce involving children; anger, trying to prove you are right when you firmly believe in your cause, or that you are better, or smarter or all the other ego driven emotions, only brings harm to the child. I made a conscious decision to master those feelings.
Although there was much to be contentious about on both sides, Barbara was a good person who was also willing to act the grown up. It would have been infinitely more difficult had Barbara not held Ashley’s needs higher than her own. So we began the process of raising a child together. We attended school events together and shared driving duties to the many lessons and parties Ashley participated in. When there were performances or sports events we sat together to cheer Ashley on.
By the time the divorce was final I had met Ann, who would become my wife 3 years later. I got lucky again as Ann was mature enough and generous enough not to resent Barbara or my time with Ashley. In fact she became an additional parental asset with her professional background as a psychologist and a warm and loving step-mom. Barbara graciously accepted Ann as an additional adult in Ashley’s life.
It was not always easy and of course I am sure I failed at times, but always I held the context to act with honor. I paid all child support on time, and later when I was able paid more than was required. Ashley stayed at our house every other weekend went on vacations with us and joined us for visits to Ann’s family. Ashley being a normal child tried to exploit the differences between the two households. “I don’t have to do that at mom’s (dad’s)” was a common complaint we both heard. And of course to Ann, “you’re not my mom”. With regular communication between us all we were able to have a unified front to provide the consistent, discipline children need to civilize and prepare them for adult life.
There were many bumps in the road along the way. There were times when Ashley thought I was the meanest dad in the world. How could we not let her do what all her friends were allegedly doing? Our curfews were totally unreasonable, and why shouldn’t she be allowed to wear what ever she wanted?
Then suddenly it was over and things changed. Ashley went away to school, and we stopped most of the rules she suffered under previously. When she was home there were no more curfews. She could come and go as she pleased; we only asked that if she were going to be late or not come home to call and let us know so we wouldn’t worry, as if we could stop. It was at this point our relationship began to change. I was no longer the ogre in charge, but was changing to an advisor to be consulted when needed. I watched her find her way, making mistakes along the way as we all did and do.
Through various stops, starts, successes and failures she has found her way in her career and life. Her life is busy with her career and a very active social life. I am extremely fortunate that she lives in Atlanta, close at hand and not in a distant city, and that she chooses to include me in her life. She calls frequently, and we see each other regularly. Sometimes she asks for my advice.
I remember one perfect moment on a snowy day in a West Virginia mountain cabin when Ashley and I went out, just the two of us, to play. The sun sparkled on the pristine snow among the pines on a blue-sky winter day. We made a crude, ineffectual snowman, had a snowball fight and made snow angels that were angelic. The sound of her perfect, childhood laughter echoed off the snow banks through the hills and my heart swelled with joy at this perfect moment, this spot weld of love.
In my best moments as a father I acted out of a love for another that is greater than love for oneself and in those moments I was a bigger and better man. That is the gift of Fatherhood.
